The opposite of irresistible

Since Jack and I parted ways last summer, I have avoided the dating sites. I have been too busy with my children, my piano students, my online jewelry store, and my writing to spend time thinking about what might be missing in my life. Earlier this week, though, in a moment of weakness, I made a brief foray back into the world of online dating.

During that time, I was hit upon by a married man, a twenty-three year old, and three guys I had spoken with previously who, for reasons unknown, never made the effort to go beyond messaging back and forth on the website. I also received this (unedited) introductory message from Mike*, an age-appropriate and geographically desirable male person:

YOU SOUND LIKE ME…SO ARE YOU A TRUE BELEAVER IN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE…AND WOULD YOU EVER BE A PERSON THAT WOULD LIKE TO BE IN A THREE SUM…DO YOU LIKE TO GO BAREFOOT AND MAKE LOVE IN THE RAIN…AND WOULD YOU BE A WOMEN THAT LIKES TO JUST CLEAN OR COOK OR JUST BE NAKED ALL THE TIME IN THE HOUSE WITH YOUR LOVER…AND WOULD YOU EVER SAY NO TO A MAN WANTING TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF ANYTIME ANYWHER…AND MAKING LOVE TO YOU OR JUST TO GIVE YOU ORAL PLEASURE…THATS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Please excuse me now while I head over to OKCupid and delete my profile…for the LAST time…


*names have been changed