Online Dating 101

Dear HotStuff69,

Thank you so much for your response to my profile here on SharksAreEverywhereDotCom. For the record, though, my name is “Pam.” Not “Sexy” or “Hottie” or even “Sweetheart” or “Beautiful.” I’m not a MILF or a cougar and I don’t date guys younger than my firstborn son. And those two boys who still live with me? They’re non-negotiable.

Of course I will be happy to tell you a little bit more about myself – just not my weight, or my bra size, or what style panties I prefer. Nor am I ready to discuss my favorite sexual positions, what turns me on in bed, or my wildest fantasies. In case you’re wondering, I’m not interested in a threesome. And if I eventually share my cell phone number with you, please don’t send me a picture of Wee Willie Winkie, okay? Because if you do, I will delete it and block your phone number.

What would I like to know about you? Your hopes. Your dreams. Your proudest moments. Your fears and failures. Yes, I would be lying if I said I don’t care what you look like; I understand there has to be physical attraction. But I have loved men of many sizes and physical descriptions; my only requirements are that you practice good dental hygiene and have a reasonable commitment to health and overall fitness. No, French fries and ketchup are not vegetables and running to the bathroom in between innings doesn’t count as exercise.

And I don’t date smokers. Sorry.

I guess that’s it for now. I have learned the hard way that “Long-Term Relationship” and “Intimate Encounter” mean two diametrically opposed things, at least on this website. Which means, I guess, that what I am really looking for is an intimate encounter that will last me the rest of my life. If you can wrap your brain around that, I would love to hear from you again.